Into the system…

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Posts Tagged ‘nervous

Typical NHS…

with 4 comments

I got through yesterday, although it was a long day. My partner didn’t seem to understand why I was so anxious beforehand, nor did he understand how drained I felt afterwards, but I guess he hasn’t experienced these sorts of appointments. I find the strain of having to try and articulate yourself when your head is spinning and you have relentless negative and suicidal thoughts just too much at times. It’s so hard when you have to explain exactly what is wrong and why you need more support, when you don’t really know the answers to those questions.

Before the two scary meetings, I had a one to one with my therapist. This would usually be something that would make me nervous, but I had much bigger fish to fry yesterday, so it wasn’t a problem. The session went a similar way to most of them recently and I’m not sure how helpful they are being, but it went a lot quicker than usual, for which I was grateful.

Lunch was difficult as I felt sick with anxiety. I tried to eat but struggled. Then it was time for the session with my partner and Dr G. My partner arrived at 1pm, but she was running late, so I was sat in reception feeling very nervous. I didn’t know what to expect or what they were going to say.

The meeting went okay, but I’m not sure how much use it really was. Dr G had received my last letter and she said it was helpful, although she already had an idea that I was really struggling without me having to tell her. I guess that’s positive.

We tackled the question of medication first and I have got my wish and am coming off the Depakote. This is being replaced by Lamotrigine. I just hope it doesn’t give me a rash like the Depakote did. If we fail with the Lamotrigine then it’s onto Lithium, although Dr G is reluctant for me to do that.

Following that was some discussion about how me and my partner can improve our communication and work together to ensure he is not suffocating me. I think at the moment a lot of that was going in one ear and out the other as I just can’t process it. I just feel crap about it all, even if the reality might not be like that. I don’t know what reality is like. My head just feels like fuzz. I can’t really remember anything else from the session, which shows how much use it was to me.

The meeting with the CMHT was frustrating and has left me feeling strange and disappointed. I had hoped that the session would ensure I would have some NHS support within a few days, but that is looking extremely unlikely. The assessment itself was uncomfortable to say the least. I felt like they were trying to catch me out. It was almost as if they didn’t want to take me on and they just wanted to find an excuse not to. I had no confidence in any of what I said and felt like I was always saying the wrong thing and I just couldn’t concentrate a lot of the time. I didn’t know what to say, couldn’t remember anything and generally found myself struggling to articulate everything. I wonder if all assessments are like that.

The most frustrating thing was they were completely unprepared for The Priory and NHS liason thing. They hadn’t a clue how it was likely to work and seemed to want to get me to agree to being transferred completely over to the NHS. I don’t want that as I want to make the most of my day care before my insurance runs out. I don’t want that as I want to stay under the care of Dr G now that I have got used to her. I don’t want that as I just have no faith in the NHS for mental health services. The whole point of my referral back in April was that the NHS would have time to work out how they would manage me and my care within The Priory before assessing me. The fact none of that has happened is annoying. I found myself getting more and more annoyed as I realised that nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen until someone cuts through some red tape.

So I am left waiting. Waiting for some support. Waiting for someone to do something. Waiting for an answer. I’m left in this strange state, not knowing what comes next. I can’t think and I just feel awful. I wish it was over.

Medi-go-up and one-to-ones…

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My Quetiapine (Seroquel) dosage is going up to 400mg. It seems like a lot for someone who is being prescribed off-label and doesn’t have a diagnostic label to match, but nevermind. I saw my consultant again today. It was better than recent visits, perhaps because she has changed something rather than just asking me to wait and be patient, but it is still difficult. I go into my appointments shaking. I seem to lose my tongue and forget what I wanted or needed to say. I forgot to bring up the fact my eyesight has been bad lately and I am still not able to drive, despite knowing I had to. I will have to try and catch her at some point before the Christmas break, but I do not know if she will be in on Friday. She often takes it off.

Anyway, the other revelation of today is that I am being referred for one-to-one therapy at last. I am apprehensive, as I do not know what I am expected to use the therapy for. A few weeks ago, one-to-ones were discussed and it was decided that I wasn’t well enough yet and didn’t really have any key issues that were going to be possible to tackle in one-to-ones. Since then, nothing seems to have changed. I have no idea what I should talk about. I go into group sessions and have no idea what to tackle each week, but I can’t ask for the spotlight to skip to the next person in one-to-ones. I still do not have any answers or even the right questions. I just don’t know where to start. I am lost in this quagmire of shifting moods and negative thoughts. I am still struggling to see much further ahead than the next few hours and I’m still uncertain of what the future brings. I am still depressed more often than anything else and I am still frustrated and agitated. I feel like I am staring at brick walls in all directions and I don’t know which way to turn or how to break through them. I am glad that I am being referred to the therapist that I did my life maps with. I trust her and she seems to understand my frustration and confusion. She understands that I feel trapped in this limbo, not knowing where my diagnosis lies or how to fix the problem. The only problem with this is, I also know she doesn’t know how to fix the problem, so I am unsure of how much use an hour a week with her will be.

I am scared of therapy. It can bring up more things than it solves and it is hard work. I know I need to put the work in if I want to get better and I can’t just wait for medication to do it’s magic, but it is still daunting. Therapy seems to just drag up all these things and makes you question everything. It leaves you sitting in a mess of confusion and not knowing where to start or how to solve it. I don’t know where to begin untying all the mess.

I think most of all I am left feeling frustrated. I am worried that treatment will never work. I only feel that I am more and more confused and the fact that I am doing all the things I am told I need to do to get better and it is not making any bloody difference only adds to the desperation I feel. WHY AM I NOT BETTER!?! IS IT ALL MY FAULT?! WHEN WILL IT BLOODY WORK?!?!!!! WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?! ARRGHHHGHGHGHGHGH!!!

You get the idea.

I…am…fed…up.