Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…

Posts Tagged ‘post-holiday blues

Clouds and Clarity…

with 4 comments

Thursday and Friday were difficult days. I haven’t felt so low and so strange for a long time. I can’t remember when I last felt like that, although I know I have before. It’s just depression in that sense is often forgotten. You cannot remember how bad it feels in between the darkest moments. I was lost in a storm cloud of depression. It was strange. I was so fuzzy,  numb, vague. I was walking through treacle, with a heavy head. I felt almost detatched from my head because it was so heavy. It was like I was carrying this bowling ball around on my shoulders. I sat in therapy and stared through people. I couldn’t take anything in or concentrate on the words floating past my head. I couldn’t concentrate on the others in group, just vague shapes sat around me. I walked back from the hospital in a daze, not noticing anything around me or where I was going.

I saw Dr N on Friday. I couldn’t tell him how I felt. I couldn’t explain the darkness inside me. He just thought it was the come-down from my holiday. He noticed the clarity had gone, but was glad I was not agitated. He almost seemed pleased that I was subdued. Maybe they really do all just want us medicated into zombies? I had hoped he would see that there was something wrong and hoped he could suggest something, suggest a fix. Of course, he is powerless, with Dr G in charge, but I still felt disappointed.

The fog has remained around over the weekend, but wasn’t as bad as Thursday. I managed to break through it at times, but it was a struggle. I kept floating off inside my head as I couldn’t break through all the mist. I couldn’t really concentrate on much. I find it frustrating. Agitation may be tiring, but I miss the productivity. I just feel heavy and leaden at the moment. I have no motivation.

I am frustrated again. I am still disappointed. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I am not doing as I should. I should be better by now. The therapy and the medication should be working. I should be feeling happy. I should be back at work. I should be productive. I shouldn’t need The Priory anymore. I feel like the one that is breaking the mould. The one that is letting the side down. Everyone else is getting better. Everyone else is on the road to recovery and I just seem to be on the road to further illness. Everyone thinks that I am making progress and that I am getting there, but they don’t know how bad I still feel.

I go backwards, not forwards. I hit brick walls and I do not want to break through them. I want to give up and I want to opt out. I take my meds and I see no improvement. I am frustrated by it all. I am ashamed by my lack of improvement. I am ashamed by the fact I am still ill. I am ashamed that I don’t feel up to returning to work. I just don’t know when this will all change. I feel like a broken record. I’m sorry.

Post-Holiday Blacks…

with 4 comments

I’m not really sure post-holiday blues is strong enough to describe my mood since returning from my holiday. I feel dark. Black almost. I am miserable and longing. I am missing so much of what I felt last week. I miss the relief of the holiday. The break it gave me from myself. I feel as if every ounce of happiness and hope that I had squeezed out of myself was left on the runway in Finland. I want to go back there and grab hold of it and not let go.

I did not want to come back from my holiday. I knew I wouldn’t. That was why I didn’t want to go either. I knew it would just highlight my frustration with life. Before my holiday, I was apprehensive about coming back and struggling with post-holiday blues. I didn’t want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I fear there was little I could have done to have prevented that.

My longing for my holiday suggests the whole trip was easy and happy. Sadly this isn’t even true. I did not spend the entire holiday happy and carefree. I was very low at the start and struggling with motivation and concentration. My mind was elsewhere a lot of the time and it was an acute reminder that it didn’t matter where I was, I was still ill and I took that illness with me. I was suicidal for some of my trip and was frustrated that I was in a strange place with no idea of how to establish either the means or some support and had a mind that was internally battling between these two means of action. I knew I should have said something to my bloke or some of the many medics who were staying with us, but as is the way, I couldn’t and it passed. I survived though and being away made it easier than normal.

It was a good week. Despite the rocky moments, it was still better than being at home. I could be normal for the week. I still had my meds to take and I wasn’t drinking, but I didn’t have to think about therapy or psychiatrists or The Priory. I could enjoy myself and let go a little. I was in a beautiful place, seeing beautiful things, meeting some lovely and interesting people and I was the same as everyone else there. There were distractions and I could put things to the back of my mind. I could forget about things and just enjoy living in the moment.

Now that I am home though, the contrast between last week and this is marked. The relief was part of the holiday mood. Everyone was buoyant and carefree. It was a holiday and it was short-lived. Now that I am back, I am searching for more moments like this and I do not know where they will come from. I am back to the monotony of life. I am back to my life and my reality and it feels like I’ve come down with a bump. I do not want to be back. I want a break from my head and my thoughts. I want a break from this depression.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been looking forward to this holiday, using it as a milestone to reach. It was something to survive for and something to live for. I do not know what is next. I feel lost now. Where is the motivation to keep going? Where can I find it?

How do you get over this and move forward when all you want to do is give up?

Post-Holiday Blues…

with 6 comments

So I’ve returned from my holiday. I am feeling low. Post-holiday blues are of course perfectly normal, but I think they hit harder when you are mood disordered. I am cold too. Despite going to Lapland, where snow and minus temperatures are part of the course, it feels colder here. The chalet was always warm and toasty and it is a different type of cold. It’s damp and dreary here. I miss the snow.

I need to finish unpacking. I can’t be bothered. I’ve slept all morning too. I just have no motivation. I just want to curl up in bed, where it is warm, and sleep forever.

I can’t be bothered to write any more now. Soon.

Take care. x

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 26th January 2009 at 4:52 pm

return to the system…

with 5 comments

…a different system to the one that my blog title refers to, but a system nonetheless. Tomorrow, I go back to work.

It feels too soon. I know it is too soon, yet I’m not doing anything to stop it.

I am too scared to go back to my doctor and tell her I can’t cope. I am too scared to tell my new line manager I can’t face it. I’m too scared to tell HR I’m not ready. I am too scared to admit to my partner I am not better. Hell, I’m too scared to admit to myself.

I want to be ready. I want to go back. I want to see my friends. I want to get involved in new projects. I want to feel like I have something to live for. I want to have something to do. I want to feel capable. I want to succeed.

I want to know if I’m ready. I try and work out if I’m ready, but all I feel is that I am not.

My mood had picked up over the past week. My holiday was pleasant. I felt almost capable. We did things. I enjoyed the sunshine. My appetite has returned. I socialised and it was almost comfortable. I didn’t feel suicidal all of the time, although I can’t say the thoughts had gone completely. I had moments where I forgot I was depressed. I wondered if the pills were working or if it was the holiday that made me feel better or if I was just feeling better anyway. Generally, it wasn’t bad. Not as bad as I’d feared at least.

The problem is I’m not on holiday anymore. I’m home and it’s harder to forget things. Things are suspended when you are on holiday. You can be someone that you are not and it is easier to forget the things that haunt you, the things that bother you. I was able to forget how depressed I was, albeit temporarily, because I was with people who only knew the happy me and I could show them the happy me. I did my best to shake off my moods and did my best to keep going. I wasn’t wholly successful and it’s a tiring act to put on, but generally I did feel a bit better. By pretending to be better, I almost convinced myself I was.

I’m home now though and I know I’m not better. During the drive back, all I could feel was churning anxiety in my stomach and my mind ticking over the things I faced when I returned. I didn’t want to leave the safety of the holiday. I didn’t want to come home. I could feel post-holiday blues descending like a big cloak of gloom. I know everyone suffers from post-holiday blues at the best of times, but I couldn’t help fear that mine would be worse than most. I couldn’t help worrying that mine would be a return to the suicidal depths of my depression. The fact that they haven’t been…quite, should be comforting, but I still worry that those moods are only days away.. hours away even.

Yesterday was a day of doing stuff. Unpacking, buying food, sorting things out, mowing the lawn. It was a list of chores, which a couple of weeks ago would have been unthinkable, but I managed them. I felt okay. Not as good as last week, but not desperately low. I wonder if I am improving, if I am better. Maybe I will be able to cope with work after all? I feel a bit better. I know I am anxious about work, but my mood has been much worse, even when I was still at work and performing well. Maybe the drugs are kicking in at last and maybe if I go back it will help me to get better? I keep trying to convince myself it is a good idea. I want to go back to work. I want to go back to pretending I’m fine.

I am trying to work out if I’m ready. The anxiety coursing through my veins, suggests I am not. The fact that I almost have a panic attack when I think of my inbox, suggests I am not. The fact I still find it hard to make myself do things, suggests I am not. The fact a conversation with my new line manager has put suicide back on the brain, suggests I am not. The fact I can’t face a future, suggests I am not.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I can’t stop it now. I will give it a go, but I just wonder how long I can last.

Written by intothesystem

Tuesday, 29th July 2008 at 5:30 pm