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Posts Tagged ‘time

Home Alone…

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Time keeps passing. I don’t know where it goes to.

This weekend has been somewhat strange. The bloke is away for the weekend at a stag do and I’m home with just the doggy for company. I don’t remember the last time I was here on my own overnight, let alone for a whole weekend, so I don’t really know what to do with myself. Aside from my trip in the summer, there have been so few times when I’ve been without the bloke for more than a day since we went to uni. I was “well” in the summer too and now things are not so easy. I am managing, but it has made me realise how used I am to having him around and how much his presence keeps me functioning. Without him here, the temptation to give in and give up is so much greater.

Getting up and dressed is a struggle at the moment and I feel even less urge to conform when I don’t have reminders from the bloke. The guilt wears on me when he’s about and it serves to push me into action. It was only the desperate requests from the dog to be let out, that dragged me out of bed this morning. The thought of having to clean up any mess was enough to force me downstairs, but I climbed back in when she was sorted. I had to get up in the end as I was going over to a new friend’s for her kiddy’s 1st birthday party, but it took me literally hours to work myself up to that. Without that commitment today, the temptation would have been to stay in bed all weekend.

Food is another problem. The bloke is the cook in our house. I can bake cakes, but when it comes to a proper meal I don’t tend to bother. I don’t have the best appetite these days, but when food is presented to me I do tend to eat. Without the bloke around to cook for me, I don’t tend to bother. I’m even less inclined to cook at the moment as both our oven and the microwave are broken.

The dog is a commitment too and she does keep me going, but she isn’t as effective at nagging as the bloke is and I find the commitment straining. She did get me up this morning and she gets me into the kitchen, prompting me to eat at the same time that I feed her, but she is also tiring and I feel guilty when I just want to stay in bed and ignore her. She also got me to go outside for a walk, which I know is good for me, but at the same time I wish I didn’t have to. It’s so tempting not to bother, but I cannot deny her a walk for long or she turns into a great big bonkers thing, which is even more draining to live with than the walk.

I’m really tired. I want to sleep forever, yet sleeping for just a few hours seems to be enough of a challenge. It was late when I finally dragged myself upstairs to bed last night and I sat and knitted up there for a while because I couldn’t sleep.

Before the bloke left, I had to promise I’d be safe this weekend. He has been somewhat paranoid over the past few weeks that I’m suicidal again. The last two years have been particularly difficult at this time, in the run up to my birthday, so I know he is on edge. He doesn’t trust me at all and although I know his fears are not unfounded and it is only because he cares, it is still hard. One day last week I had nipped out and wasn’t home when he was due back from work. My mobile phone battery had died so he couldn’t get hold of me. I’d even left a note to say that I’d be back in a minute, because I worried that without my phone he would wonder where the hell I was, but he didn’t see it and just flew into a tailspin instead. He completely jumped to conclusions and panicked that I’d gone out to kill myself.

I’d actually nipped out to rescue the dog’s ball because she had lost it on our walk and I couldn’t get it out of the brambles and control her at the same time. She has a habit of diving head first into all the brambles and rose briers to rescue her ball then getting stuck – we both end up cut and bleeding, as I have to battle to rescue both her and the ball. I literally had to drag her home, shut her in the house and then go back out to dig out the ball from the bushes. By the time I got home I was greeted by the bloke just about to drive off in my car to try and find me, ranting and raving with anger. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it the first time in a long while and I was disappointed that things had not moved on and that the trust hasn’t been rebuilt by now.

It turns out that he mainly panicked because he had been reading my mood log. I was updating one online and I had no idea he had been reading it. I tended to keep my notes in there very short and they were only for me, so a note mentioning suicidal planning thoughts did not necessarily mean what he thought it did. I was angry that he had invaded my privacy again, but I know it only comes from fear and concern. I don’t feel able to update the log any more though. It was meant to be for me and no one else. A reminder of how things are, because so often I cannot remember what my mood was like a week or a month ago.

But anyway. I agreed that I will be safe. I am safe, but it doesn’t mean the temptation isn’t there. My mood is low and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. This weekend would have been the perfect opportunity and there are times when I cannot help the thoughts, but I have resigned myself to sticking around for a while yet.

I know the fact it is winter and in the run up to my birthday can’t be helping. I have been in hospital at this time for the last two years, and both times I was desperately suicidal and determined not to be around for my birthday. This year I seem to have accepted that I will be around and although I am not overly happy about it, I’m resigned to it. I am low and I don’t really want to be alive, but I feel the obligation to be. Also, I’m not sure why, but being 25 seems like a much better idea than 24 anyway – something about round numbers I think. My worry is that I’m already having to battle the thoughts that 25 is a good age to die. I have no desire to see 26, even if I am sure I will see 25. I hope that my mood will pick up before those thoughts get too strong or that the approach of my 26th birthday gets too urgent.

As for my 25th birthday, as Seaneen will recall, my invite for a smear test arrived. I went and had it a couple weeks ago and it was fairly painless and straightforward, although I bled quite a bit afterwards. Unfortunately though I got a letter on Thursday saying the result was “inconclusive” so I have to go and have another one in three months. I think this was just a case of not enough cells, at least that’s what I’m hoping, but it’s still pretty annoying to have to wait before they do it again.

In other news, I’ve had a review form for DLA to fill in for a couple of weeks now and I’ve failed to do it. I wrote to them before Christmas at the same time I wrote to notify the DWP that I was starting work part-time for ESA purposes, to say there had been *some* improvement to my condition since my initial application for DLA. I felt I had to, as I have been receiving Higher Rate Care and I am not sure I should be getting that rate any more. They sent me out a review form and I started to complete it, but I made a complete mess. I filled in my surname in the first name section, my date of birth wrong and made mistakes all over the place, because I couldn’t concentrate enough to fill it in and my memory is so shoddy I kept forgetting things. After some frustration, I rang them to ask for another form because I had made so many mistakes. I got this replacement two weeks ago now and I have still not even started it. Thankfully because I requested the review rather than them, there is no deadline for me to get it back, but I know I need to do it. I can’t face it though. I can copy across the stuff that was correct on my first attempt, but I don’t know what to do about the rest of it. The form is overwhelming and I don’t know what to write, especially as my mood has been so unstable of late. Sometimes I look at the form, think nothing is wrong and answer everything as if I was fine, but other days I look at the form and realise I can’t do any of the things it asks, including filling in the form for that matter. I know you have to say how your good and bad days very and highlight what the worst case scenario is, but I just don’t know what to write. I don’t even know what to put in the diagnosis section. Should I have told them that my diagnosis is under question back when it was first questioned a year ago, or can I just tell them I don’t know any more? I guess the latter is the truth, I don’t know, but I’m not sure if I should have told them I don’t know. As far as DLA and ESA are concerned, I assume they think my diagnosis to be Bipolar II disorder, which is what it was when I applied. As I don’t know what it has been changed to, I guess I can’t tell them, but I worry about what Dr M or Dr N will write when asked. I hate having to evaluate how bad I am. I honestly don’t know.

Hmm I don’t know what else to write. There are things I keep thinking about to write, but I just don’t know what to say. It has been the same all week. For weeks really. I am meant to be keeping a diary for therapy again and I haven’t managed to write anything properly. I just don’t know what to say. Brain is mush. I cannot think, I can barely feel. I just want a new head.

I am feeling increasingly agitated this evening. I am not sure why. Maybe now is the time I stop and knit for a bit to see if it calms me down. I spent a lot of yesterday knitting – I made a hat for the little boy’s birthday today and started a frilly scarf and it kept me busy and distracted whilst I was on my own. It’s the first thing I’ve done for a while. I haven’t had the motivation or the concentration for a while. Sometimes I get the urge to knit and think of a million projects I could be doing and other days I cannot even comprehend lifting the needles. There has been a lot of the latter lately, yet yesterday my head was buzzing with ideas of things I could knit. I can only knit so much though and when my concentration is so crap lately as much as I want to make these magical creations, there’s no way I’m actually able to. I end up having to undo as much as I do.

hmm. Head is starting to spin. I’m both tired and agitated and feel like I may need to throw things soon if things get any worse. I don’t know why I am feeling like this. I have been good lately and I’m avoiding caffeine in the hope that would ease the occasional agitation, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Maybe I should just go to bed and try to sleep or maybe I should have a bath. Perhaps I’m just grouchy and tired. I don’t know.

This is a bitty post. I don’t seem able to write properly at the moment. I started writing this about 4pm and it’s now 11.30pm. It’s not even very long. I have found it really hard to try and get things down or to concentrate on it. I have watched bits of TV and fed the animals and stuff in between, but the rest of the time I have just been staring at the box wondering what to put in it, or more likely how to slow down and speed up and unravel my thoughts to try and type them. Some of the time it feels like my brain is like treacle and the thoughts are just so slow and other times they are bouncing around and rattling off the sides and at the moment both is happening at the same time and it just feels like a big ball of mush. It all makes no sense.

Anyway I am going to stop and kick the dog outside. She’s already taken herself to bed, but she needs to go out or I’ll get woken up very early in the morning! I don’t intend on being up early. The bloke isn’t due back until at least mid-afternoon and I think I’m leaning towards a morning of hibernation.

Two Thousand and Nine…

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In about an hour the clock will roll around to midnight and it will be the start of a new year. It will be 2009. I am not sure I want to see it, but I am too late to change that now. I am trying to be hopeful that 2009 will be better than 2008. I am trying to see the positives. I have survived 2008. I am not sure I am glad about this. I know I should be, but I am not sure I feel it in my bones. I’m not sure I feel it in my heart.

I should be glad to see the back of 2008, but all I feel is dread for 2009. Dread for the future. Dread of this endless depression and pointless battle. Pointless existence. I don’t want to keep putting up with this life. I don’t want a new year if it is not going to bring about a new me, a new life, new hope. I have no hope.

I hate how fatalistic this sounds. I hate how pessimistic I have become. I hate how depression has made me. I hate it all.

I will see 2009. I will keep going. I just don’t want to.

Written by intothesystem

Thursday, 1st January 2009 at 12:08 am

another day, still no time…

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This is getting ridiculous now. I need to find a way out. I need an escape. I just want some time to myself. Surely that is not too much to ask for? I just want time where I don’t have to have achieved something, time where it is mine to squander as I please!

Today I woke up late. I intended on getting up at about 9 and going straight to the pool, but I fell asleep after my bloke left for work and didn’t wake until after ten. My sleep has gone the other way lately. It used to be insomnia. Now it’s just too much. I seem to get a minimum of 10 hours at the moment, when I am usually quite happy with 6.

Anyway, I got up slowly and made it to the pool shortly after 11. Swam my fifty lengths. It was harder today than yesterday – arms aching a little from the shock of having to do something, but still not bad. By the time I got to thirty it was getting much easier again and I probably would have kept going a while longer if I wasn’t turning into a prune. It’s funny though. I was probably the fattest person in the pool, but I was still lapping everyone. I was lapping some of the old people at a rate of three lengths to their one. Most of the women at the pool are Cheshire-housewife-types, in designer swimwear and perma-tans. I get a look of disapproval as I enter the pool – I’m definitely not one of them! It makes me a little uncomfortable, but at least I have the satisfaction that I’m a better swimmer. I might not have their figures, their tans or their money, but I’m not sure I’d want them anyway.

After that, I just went around a couple of the retail parks in town, trying to find accessories to go with my dress and a swimming costume. I finally succeeded on the swimming costume front, although I failed on all other counts. Will have to try it in the pool though – the only real test!

Got home and just talked to my other half and he had the cheek to have a go at me for not achieving more today. This is getting me down. I was actually feeling fairly satisfied that at least I’d stayed out of the house and didn’t come online until this afternoon. He then goes and takes that away by moaning at me for not doing enough. He tells me that I’ve got “two weeks free holiday” and that I shouldn’t waste it by doing nothing. I don’t think he understands that part of what made me ill was doing too much. I can’t explain and I can’t deal with it.

There is more I need to do today. I need to tidy the study and more pressingly, I’m on cooking duty. I hate cooking. I can do it, but I just never want to eat what I’ve cooked after I’ve bothered. He expects dinner on the table when he returns from work though. I am not a bloody housewife, but he still demands it of me. I try to argue, but I know I don’t have a leg to stand on. I never cook and it is my turn, but I just can’t face it. Is it ridiculous that I’m feeling the pressure just thinking about this. I should have had it on half an hour ago and I haven’t because I was catching up on my blogroll and writing here. Now I feel stressed that I need to rush to complete it on time. Stress makes me want to hurt myself. I’m not getting any better. That I can see now.

How can I explain all this to him? He doesn’t understand. He still calls me lazy. I’m starting to wonder if I can carry on like this. I’d rather be at work than have to play merry housewife. argh! Why does this make me feel like this? I’m all worked up over nothing and feel like shit. When will this feeling go away?

I need an escape.

Written by intothesystem

Tuesday, 8th July 2008 at 5:08 pm

Short days…

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The days feel so short now. When I was at work I did long hours. Often twelve or thirteen hour shifts. Now I’m at home, I’m getting up late, very late even (any time from 9am – 1pm, rather than 6.45am) and the days just disappear. My partner comes home a lot earlier than I used to, so he’s around most of the day and I don’t get much time for myself anymore.

I went for a swim today. It might have taken me until 3pm to motivate myself enough to get dressed, but I made it. Resorted to my emergency swimming costume as I still haven’t found one I’m satisfied with. It’s rubbish and needs knots tied in the straps as it’s too big, but it does the job I guess. I did 50 lengths too (23m pool), which I was quite pleased with considering I haven’t swam lengths for about a year. I used to do that much almost daily, but I’m surprised I could just do that straight off. I am a little tired now though.

Tonight I’m meeting a friend from work. I told her why I was off the other day and she suggested we caught up for dinner and a chat, which was lovely of her. I’m looking forward to it. I miss my work friends. I’m scared too though. I’m not feeling all that great after pushing myself with the swimming and I’m tired. Hope I can keep my mood up enough over the next few hours.

The nothingness still continues really. I just feel like I’m in limbo. That so-so mood between feeling ok and not – I guess the same one Seaneen describes at the start of her post.

Tomorrow I hope to find more time to write – time to write a proper post, rather than this dull description of life. I can dream, I guess?

Written by intothesystem

Monday, 7th July 2008 at 5:47 pm

no time to write…

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The other half still proceeds to keep me offline and tries to make me productive in my time off. I just want to write dammit!! The problem is he doesn’t know that’s what I want to spend my time doing and I don’t want him to know, because this would then be useless.

I’m in the middle of a very long post about work, but haven’t had the chance to finish it and it’s taking me a while to order my thoughts. It might see the light of day someday.

I’ve got to go out *again* now, so no more time to myself until Monday. :( It’s so frustrating! Time to start thinking about going away for a couple days I think. hmm.. I don’t know. I just want to be alone.

Written by intothesystem

Friday, 4th July 2008 at 5:06 pm