Found Again…

So this time I’ve been found by my NHS team! Eep!

It seems that the odd slip with references to the hospital I am in and the local NHS trust means someone has put two and two together and for once, sadly got four. I’ve been told that someone on the CMHT reads mental health blogs (presumably Mental Nurse) and came across my blog, spotting a reference to this hospital. Of course with knowing the trust and what ward I was likely to be on, they realised who I was talking about. So the URL was passed on to the team here and they presumably quickly identified me.

I am annoyed at myself for leaving too many clues. It may have been easier if I had been more careful. We all could have carried on in ignorant bliss and not had to consider the consequences, but what is done. In some ways maybe it is just better that things are in the open.
I found out that they knew yesterday in ward round, but I was so shocked that I didn’t really know what to say or ask. I met my consultant again today so we managed to discuss it a little further.

My consultant says she has read very little, but I do not know how much has been read by others. She consulted the Trust’s Communications Team and her union for advice. The Communications Team can’t really do anything. I have not been libelous towards the trust and they agree that because it is a public forum I can pretty much write what I like. I suspect I may be monitored for a while though just incase I say anything they object to. The union suggested that ethically my consultant should respect my anonymity and discontinue reading. She agreed that as it was not written for her she doesn’t think it is fair for her to read it. I think I trust her on this. She seems fair.

Apparently a *lot* of people know about it, but only my medical staff actually know it is me. Nothing will go in my notes, other than mention that I do have a blog, which was in there already, so future doctors are unlikely to know.

It seems that my blog is gaining notoriety within the trust though. I wonder how far the gossip mill will spread. Before I know it, my GP and god knows who else might find out. Too late now to worry about that. Will come to it as it happens.

I do not really know what I am to do. I have removed a few obvious references including any mentions of this Trust’s name or the hospital, but without rewriting the whole thing it would be hard to hide everything. The thing is, most of my blog only means something if you know me and my story or the places and people involved. I don’t use full names, so it is not like I could be easily googled. The average person reading would not know or care who Dr N, Dr M or DP really is.

I don’t really want to stop writing and see little point in becoming even more anonymous or censoring things. It has been suggested I may want to lay low for a while so that this can blow over, but I am unsure. I could go password protected for a while, allowing me to keep my posts for trusted parties only, but I don’t know if I really want to do that either.

My consultant wants me to think about the future and how I would feel if this happens again with a different group of people. Of course thinking about the future is not something I’m all that good at right now, considering I tried to end it all a couple of weeks ago, but nevermind. Her concern is I may not be too bothered now, but maybe if it came up with future employers or whatever, how would I feel then? I don’t know. I have pondered this a lot in the past. My instinct is that I should not be ashamed and should not hide. To do so only reinforces mental health stigma that you should not talk about these things. I am also not sure hiding multiple hospitalisations for mental illness would be that easy anyway. It would probably come out eventually so if it is this way, then so be it.

I do need to think about it. I am not ashamed of what I write. I know that my blog is appreciated by a wider audience these days. Recognition from Mental Nurse and OneinFour tells me that this is worth doing, not just because I find it therapeutic, but because people want to read what I have to say. I also think that mental health blogging is becoming a new force in the world of mental health and I want to remain a part of that. I like that this blog gives me a voice. Mental health patients so rarely get to say what they think. It often feels like we aren’t trusted or respected enough to have an opinion. The system is flawed and those of us that can, need to say so, or change is never going to happen.

I still haven’t found any definitive conclusions. Anyone reading have any thoughts?

I don’t think I’ll have my phone again for a little while so I don’t suppose I will be writing much anyway but I don’t know what is going to happen. I am getting more escorted leave now as they want to encourage me to see that there is a life out there, but they are keeping the safety net of the ward in place whilst I am still a risk.

For those of you wondering how I am, I am surviving. Feel like I’m in autopilot a lot of the time and struggling for the rest of it, but the days are ticking away and I am still here. I have to admit I’ve been considering plenty of ways not to be, but they have most bases covered here. Progress is slow at best or perhaps even nonexistent, but I think people here are trying, considering the very limited options available to them.

p.s. If you are reading this and related to the trust, hospital or CMHT then I would appreciate it if you leave, but I understand that it is up to you. You could of course join in the discussions going on here and elsewhere in the mental health blogosphere rather than just snooping on me!