Post-Holiday Blacks…

I’m not really sure post-holiday blues is strong enough to describe my mood since returning from my holiday. I feel dark. Black almost. I am miserable and longing. I am missing so much of what I felt last week. I miss the relief of the holiday. The break it gave me from myself. I feel as if every ounce of happiness and hope that I had squeezed out of myself was left on the runway in Finland. I want to go back there and grab hold of it and not let go.

I did not want to come back from my holiday. I knew I wouldn’t. That was why I didn’t want to go either. I knew it would just highlight my frustration with life. Before my holiday, I was apprehensive about coming back and struggling with post-holiday blues. I didn’t want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I fear there was little I could have done to have prevented that.

My longing for my holiday suggests the whole trip was easy and happy. Sadly this isn’t even true. I did not spend the entire holiday happy and carefree. I was very low at the start and struggling with motivation and concentration. My mind was elsewhere a lot of the time and it was an acute reminder that it didn’t matter where I was, I was still ill and I took that illness with me. I was suicidal for some of my trip and was frustrated that I was in a strange place with no idea of how to establish either the means or some support and had a mind that was internally battling between these two means of action. I knew I should have said something to my bloke or some of the many medics who were staying with us, but as is the way, I couldn’t and it passed. I survived though and being away made it easier than normal.

It was a good week. Despite the rocky moments, it was still better than being at home. I could be normal for the week. I still had my meds to take and I wasn’t drinking, but I didn’t have to think about therapy or psychiatrists or The Priory. I could enjoy myself and let go a little. I was in a beautiful place, seeing beautiful things, meeting some lovely and interesting people and I was the same as everyone else there. There were distractions and I could put things to the back of my mind. I could forget about things and just enjoy living in the moment.

Now that I am home though, the contrast between last week and this is marked. The relief was part of the holiday mood. Everyone was buoyant and carefree. It was a holiday and it was short-lived. Now that I am back, I am searching for more moments like this and I do not know where they will come from. I am back to the monotony of life. I am back to my life and my reality and it feels like I’ve come down with a bump. I do not want to be back. I want a break from my head and my thoughts. I want a break from this depression.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been looking forward to this holiday, using it as a milestone to reach. It was something to survive for and something to live for. I do not know what is next. I feel lost now. Where is the motivation to keep going? Where can I find it?

How do you get over this and move forward when all you want to do is give up?

Post-Holiday Blues…

So I’ve returned from my holiday. I am feeling low. Post-holiday blues are of course perfectly normal, but I think they hit harder when you are mood disordered. I am cold too. Despite going to Lapland, where snow and minus temperatures are part of the course, it feels colder here. The chalet was always warm and toasty and it is a different type of cold. It’s damp and dreary here. I miss the snow.

I need to finish unpacking. I can’t be bothered. I’ve slept all morning too. I just have no motivation. I just want to curl up in bed, where it is warm, and sleep forever.

I can’t be bothered to write any more now. Soon.

Take care. x

Dropping In…

I haven’t had much time for writing of late. I want to, but I am also trying to spend less time on here at the moment. I haven’t really had the concentration either. Have been very up and down over the past week.

I saw Dr G yesterday. It was much better than the previous week., but still a little difficult. I have new medication after a visit to Dr N today to get the script. Topiramate is being added to the pile for mood stabilisation purposes. We shall see what happens.

I go to Lapland (Yllas in Finland) on Sunday and have been busy getting ready for it! Have snow gear now so hopefully I will stay nice and warm whilst I’m there. I may not get the chance to write again before I leave. Take care everyone.

Slipping Back…

I realise now that a month ago, I was better than I thought I was. I thought there was no progress and I wasn’t getting any better, but now I realise it wasn’t as bad as I had thought. I was still low and the agitation was a problem, but I was coping then. The improvement on previous months was subtle, but it was there. I just didn’t really know how to see it. When you are depressed it is hard to see the positive amongst all the dark fog.

Now though, I can see. I am worse now. The juxtaposition between now and then makes it clearer. The upheaval of Christmas and New Year has done nothing for my mood. The endless charade of being okay and happy during the festivities is wearing and I’m tired. I find the blackness working its way through my mind and mood. The negative thoughts are relentless. There is a whole army of ants crawling around in there. I don’t have any ant powder. I have been existing for the sake of it for months now and I don’t know why I am still holding on. I keep trying to, but it is getting harder again. I do it for everyone else, not for myself. It is all just wearing. I am still wearing the mask.

I saw my consultant today. That was wearing in itself. I told her this. I told her that I was doing better than I realised, but now I am doing worse. I told her that I can feel myself slipping back and not having the energy to fight. She just said that this will leave me stuck in depression. She didn’t tell me how to stop myself or give me a hand to pull me back up. She just said that dips happen and I just have to keep fighting. I felt like she hadn’t listened and I found that hard. She has done nothing and said nothing today and I don’t know why I bothered to try and tell her how I feel. I am to stick on the same meds and she will review before I go away on holiday. I felt annoyed by her and maybe even let down. I don’t really know.

I am frustrated with myself that I have slipped back. I wonder if it is my fault. My fault for not realising things were improving. My fault for not making the most of that little improvement. My fault for not having faith. My fault for being this way. I doubt myself all the time and I’m punitive. I will wear myself down and beat myself up. I worry over everything. I question everything.

I think Dr G made a mistake today in the way she said that I may be trapping myself in my depression. I don’t know if she meant well or not, but it has upset me and annoyed me. It has not done anything to help me, only make me question myself more. I do not know why I have slipped back. I did not intend to slip back. It has just happened and I need a help out of it, not a knock down back into it. I hope things improve. At the moment it feels as if she is not supporting me or helping me. It almost feels as if she has lost the respect she used to hold for me. It feels unbalanced now. I am scared of her and uncomfortable about seeing her.

I don’t know what is next. I am always looking for answers. I don’t have any and don’t know where I can find them. I want to know when I will get better. I want to know when things will pick up. I want to know that they will pick up. I am looking for questions too. It is hard to find answers when you don’t have the questions. I don’t know what I should be asking of myself. I don’t know what I should be asking of my doctors. I don’t know anything any more. I find it frustrating.

Dr G wants to review before my holiday this month. Then she said we need to think about the future and planning beyond that. I am scared of the future. I am not sure I want a future. I am just trying not to think about it at the moment.

Lots to say, but no patience to write…

The title says it all really. I have lots of things in my head, all running around like little ants. Ants of course sum it up – automatic negative thoughts. A lot of them fall under this category. I try to use the stick of CBT on them, but it doesn’t do much good.

I have a lot of half started drafts and random ideas for posts, but I am not really able to turn them into posts. I somehow get lost along the way or they just don’t quite say what I want them to say.

I will try soon. For now I must go.

Two Thousand and Nine…

In about an hour the clock will roll around to midnight and it will be the start of a new year. It will be 2009. I am not sure I want to see it, but I am too late to change that now. I am trying to be hopeful that 2009 will be better than 2008. I am trying to see the positives. I have survived 2008. I am not sure I am glad about this. I know I should be, but I am not sure I feel it in my bones. I’m not sure I feel it in my heart.

I should be glad to see the back of 2008, but all I feel is dread for 2009. Dread for the future. Dread of this endless depression and pointless battle. Pointless existence. I don’t want to keep putting up with this life. I don’t want a new year if it is not going to bring about a new me, a new life, new hope. I have no hope.

I hate how fatalistic this sounds. I hate how pessimistic I have become. I hate how depression has made me. I hate it all.

I will see 2009. I will keep going. I just don’t want to.