Found Again…

So this time I’ve been found by my NHS team! Eep!

It seems that the odd slip with references to the hospital I am in and the local NHS trust means someone has put two and two together and for once, sadly got four. I’ve been told that someone on the CMHT reads mental health blogs (presumably Mental Nurse) and came across my blog, spotting a reference to this hospital. Of course with knowing the trust and what ward I was likely to be on, they realised who I was talking about. So the URL was passed on to the team here and they presumably quickly identified me.

I am annoyed at myself for leaving too many clues. It may have been easier if I had been more careful. We all could have carried on in ignorant bliss and not had to consider the consequences, but what is done. In some ways maybe it is just better that things are in the open.
I found out that they knew yesterday in ward round, but I was so shocked that I didn’t really know what to say or ask. I met my consultant again today so we managed to discuss it a little further.

My consultant says she has read very little, but I do not know how much has been read by others. She consulted the Trust’s Communications Team and her union for advice. The Communications Team can’t really do anything. I have not been libelous towards the trust and they agree that because it is a public forum I can pretty much write what I like. I suspect I may be monitored for a while though just incase I say anything they object to. The union suggested that ethically my consultant should respect my anonymity and discontinue reading. She agreed that as it was not written for her she doesn’t think it is fair for her to read it. I think I trust her on this. She seems fair.

Apparently a *lot* of people know about it, but only my medical staff actually know it is me. Nothing will go in my notes, other than mention that I do have a blog, which was in there already, so future doctors are unlikely to know.

It seems that my blog is gaining notoriety within the trust though. I wonder how far the gossip mill will spread. Before I know it, my GP and god knows who else might find out. Too late now to worry about that. Will come to it as it happens.

I do not really know what I am to do. I have removed a few obvious references including any mentions of this Trust’s name or the hospital, but without rewriting the whole thing it would be hard to hide everything. The thing is, most of my blog only means something if you know me and my story or the places and people involved. I don’t use full names, so it is not like I could be easily googled. The average person reading would not know or care who Dr N, Dr M or DP really is.

I don’t really want to stop writing and see little point in becoming even more anonymous or censoring things. It has been suggested I may want to lay low for a while so that this can blow over, but I am unsure. I could go password protected for a while, allowing me to keep my posts for trusted parties only, but I don’t know if I really want to do that either.

My consultant wants me to think about the future and how I would feel if this happens again with a different group of people. Of course thinking about the future is not something I’m all that good at right now, considering I tried to end it all a couple of weeks ago, but nevermind. Her concern is I may not be too bothered now, but maybe if it came up with future employers or whatever, how would I feel then? I don’t know. I have pondered this a lot in the past. My instinct is that I should not be ashamed and should not hide. To do so only reinforces mental health stigma that you should not talk about these things. I am also not sure hiding multiple hospitalisations for mental illness would be that easy anyway. It would probably come out eventually so if it is this way, then so be it.

I do need to think about it. I am not ashamed of what I write. I know that my blog is appreciated by a wider audience these days. Recognition from Mental Nurse and OneinFour tells me that this is worth doing, not just because I find it therapeutic, but because people want to read what I have to say. I also think that mental health blogging is becoming a new force in the world of mental health and I want to remain a part of that. I like that this blog gives me a voice. Mental health patients so rarely get to say what they think. It often feels like we aren’t trusted or respected enough to have an opinion. The system is flawed and those of us that can, need to say so, or change is never going to happen.

I still haven’t found any definitive conclusions. Anyone reading have any thoughts?

I don’t think I’ll have my phone again for a little while so I don’t suppose I will be writing much anyway but I don’t know what is going to happen. I am getting more escorted leave now as they want to encourage me to see that there is a life out there, but they are keeping the safety net of the ward in place whilst I am still a risk.

For those of you wondering how I am, I am surviving. Feel like I’m in autopilot a lot of the time and struggling for the rest of it, but the days are ticking away and I am still here. I have to admit I’ve been considering plenty of ways not to be, but they have most bases covered here. Progress is slow at best or perhaps even nonexistent, but I think people here are trying, considering the very limited options available to them.

p.s. If you are reading this and related to the trust, hospital or CMHT then I would appreciate it if you leave, but I understand that it is up to you. You could of course join in the discussions going on here and elsewhere in the mental health blogosphere rather than just snooping on me!

No Phone…

Just a very short one. I don’t have my normal phone on the ward anymore so sorry for the lack of blogging or twittering! No internet at all!

On day leave today so just able to add a quick message, but won’t be around for a while I don’t think.

Thanks for all of your best wishes. Take Care. Xx

Bombshell…

On Wednesday night Dr M dropped a bombshell and then ran away whilst it detonated.

Contrary to what was said in ward round on Tuesday, “yes, it does sound like a mood disorder. We shall discuss your notes and call you in later to discuss medication”, they are now questioning my diagnosis, saying my picture doesn’t fit with their understanding of Bipolar Disorder. Now, considering this is based on a half hour conversation with me and a couple days of uncharacteristically fast (for me) mood swings, I am concerned.

They said they want me assessed by the clinical psychologist, which may take “many weeks” before they make any decisions. She isn’t sure where I should wait, here or at home, but is concerned about my safety (which to be honest she needs to be! Being in here doesn’t exactly do anything to convince you life is worth it, when you have already given up).

She said she doesn’t want to change my medication as it might influence the assessment. No mention of taking me off my current meds, which could be doing the same!

Then the meeting was over and I was left to handle the fallout alone.

I am a little shocked. They haven’t seen my Priory notes as the CMHT has lost them. I was under the care of The Priory for many months and I think they had enough time to assess me. Not make assumptions based on a short conversation and observations over a couple of days, which have obviously been influenced by an overdose and stress!

I am concerned that the change of tack seems to have come after J spoke to them. What on earth did she say, especially as she didn’t exactly know me or get the full picture as I didn’t trust her?

I can also sense what is coming. A borderline diagnosis is ahead on the tracks and coming at me fast (or slowly as it’s the NHS). I wouldn’t mind if this seemed to fit, but I am fairly familiar with the criteria and nature of the condition. It doesn’t ring true with my experience. I have no fears of abandonment – I am fiercely independent and quite happy to accept someone won’t be in my life any more, e.g. when therapy has ended. I may miss the person or thing, but not object to losing it and will not try to stop them. I do not have stormy and unreliable relationships – I have been with my partner 7 years. We argue like man and wife and our relationship is strained by this episode of illness, but I don’t love him one minute and hate him the next. My mood swings are not generally reactive and *usually* slower than those suggested for BPD. I don’t suddenly want to kill myself after bad news. Yes, I can express frustration or be upset, but not out to a level that is out of the norm or to extremes. I do not act impulsively without considering the consequences. My major suicide attempts have both been a result of a huge amount of thought and planning. In fact, aside from my mood swings I don’t think I am generally a person of extremes. I also have no past trauma, which is often involved with the condition. I could probably half meet maybe 3 or 4 criteria, but never the 5 needed by the DSM or the descriptions given in the ICD. I’m aware I am having to simplify things through lack of space or time – my thumbs will fall off if I write everything I want to, but I think you get the idea.

Also worth noting that borderline PD is one of Dr G’s specialisms and she never mentioned it to me. She tends to be pretty straight with people, so if she thought it was that then surely she would have been able to say so? She also wouldn’t have referred me to Dr P, him being the mood disorder specialist.

I can’t help but feel this is all part and parcel of the way this label can be misused. Don’t fit classic diagnosis, don’t respond to first line medication, female, suicidal and have mood swings. Oh BPD will do. Lets try and put the square peg in the round hole.

Maybe they aren’t thinking Borderline PD, but the mention of psychologists and lack of anything else even remotely close, suggests they are.

I am also frustrated at the lack of desire to do anything whilst waiting for the psychology/therapy assessment. Even if it was BPD, medication can be helpful with treatment and is often following the same kind of strategy as Bipolar II. She may in a couple months time go back to my current diagnosis, make the same changes and in the meantime I have wasted months of my life stuck on this ward. There never seems to be much desire to get you out, unless they suddenly need a bed then you can be out on your ear, recovered or not.

There are a lot of questions and no one has given any answers yet. I wrote a list of the key practical ones and handed it to my nurse to pass on yesterday, but no mention yet. I suspect I will be waiting until ward round next week.

After all this, my bloke went to see Dr N yesterday for his opinion. I thought this would help but it has made me more confused. Apparently Dr N is quite pleased I am being reassessed as he was never convinced by my diagnosis and he even suggested Dr G wasn’t. I had suspected this myself, but when I questioned Dr G on it, she said she agreed with Dr P. My bloke and Dr N apparently discussed borderline PD for a bit too. My bloke also expressed his concerns about rumination (he seems to think if I stop overthinking and forget about my illness I will be okay) and my blog came up. Apparently Dr N didn’t know I was still doing it! Surprised by this as everyone else, including the CMHT knew. I kinda feel left out of my own care again, so am wishing I had been there yesterday, although I know it is not practical.

Since then I have spent a lot of the last day or so pondering all this. I had a visit from Em in the afternoon which was lovely of her and a short break from everything.

My bloke came in the evening. It was his birthday but he wasn’t exactly full of birthday cheer. Em had got me a cake to give him, which we shared some of, but then we spent the rest of the time talking about all this. He has been doing a lot of research, trying to fix everything and find solutions (typical man).

He has been going over the rumination thing and my lack of positive thinking. I know I overthink. I even overthink good things. The problem is I always have and it feels like part of me. Questioning that feels like a direct attack. It may be an exacerbating factor, but it isn’t the only problem and I also don’t know how I could really change this. I can tell myself to stop and distract myself, but the running commentary just carries on and questions me further. I will almost overthink, overthinking. Distraction works to a point, but when I stop I just go into thinking overdrive instead and I can’t distract forever.

He has all these suggestions of how I can get better and things I need to do. Thinking and therapy techniques, supplements, the usuals of exercise etc. Many of these I do try to employ already and it is all well and good to suggest them, but at the end of the day I am: a) unwell and that can make it hard to do anything, especially when I’m in crisis and all logic goes out of the window, b) stuck in here so many of the suggestions are impractical and c) they may help to some degree but none of these things are going to fix things.

It still feels like he basically wants me to buck my ideas up. I was getting frustrated by this. I know he means well and is trying to help, but I wish he was perhaps more sensitive in his approach. He has gone from acting caring and supportively over the last couple days to criticising me again. I do wish things were all as simple as a bit of CBT, some positive thoughts, routine, eating and exercising well and some distraction. Sadly they are not.

Edit: Maybe this is unfair. The conversation was frustrating and I did feel attacked at times, but I am glad he is trying to help. Some of his suggestions were helpful. There are good bits within the bad. I do just find it hard to see them and I don’t know how much I can do right now.

Today looks pretty bleak and pointless. More waiting and the thought of another long weekend ahead is tiresome. I asked about having Nikki, coming to visit so we could have a walk around the grounds, utilities the nurse said I need to get it sanctioned by the doctor. Considering I am not on a section and would be escorted by my partner this seems unfair. I wish I could just walk out and although in theory I can, they are unlikely to let me. A section would probably beckon, if only an assessment one.

I am tempted to ask for some haloperidol! It is the only thing to ever sedate me and although it turns me into a zombie, I’d quite like to sleep away a few days in an antipsychotic-fueled daze right now. It is not practical in the real world, but in here it doesn’t matter. I don’t have any PRN written up as nothing really works.

Anyway this is pretty long and I’m scared it won’t post! I better go. Xx

Day 5…

in the nuthouse (not the godawful Big Brother one).

I’m updating purely for something to do. I don’t think anything is going to happen today. No visitors and no ward round.

My ward round yesterday was strange. The usual scary NHS experience of a room full of people and not having any idea who most of them were. It’s not like we have any occupation or therapy here so there can’t even be OTs. Unless there were and they just do nothing! I was too nervous and hyper to ask who they were or remember if they told me their names.

I was interviewed by a psych whose job title I cannot remember, but Dr M was there too and interjected now and then. I was so nervous, that mixed with the hypomania, I became pretty incoherent, speaking so fast they were grappling to keep up. I started by trying to lay down my guidelines – respect, not being patronised and being informed. Not sure how much they listened. I was asked and talked about my diagnosis and how it came about, when I first sought help and what happened following, my last admission here, ECT, The Priory, medication and more. I talked so so much in the half hour that I became hoarse and barely stopped for breath. Felt like both hours due to the amount covered and minutes due to speed! At the end they decided that they needed more time to read my notes and discuss before they did anything and suggested that they would call me back in later so they could give me an idea of the plan. I agreed to this.

Sadly later never came. I don’t know if this is because of what happened afterwards. At 1.30 which was my original appointment time my useless social worker, J turned up uninvited and apparently unannounced. I had been asked if I wanted her there and said no, which is why they could change my time to this morning. The nurses seemed to be as confused as I was when she arrived. J saw me and proceeded to wind me up, which as I was already agitated was not helpful at all. She basically suggested I have made bad choices to end up here and it is all my fault. She doesn’t seem to recognise or acknowledge mental illness despite it being her job. She moaned about not going in ward round with me, ignoring the fact I didn’t ask her to come. Apparently it is just what happens. Well no it isn’t if I am asked and say no, surely? She then asked to see the doctor and went in without me. I am angry about this because I explicitly asked to be treated like an adult and be kept informed, but I was not involved in this conversation. I don’t know what was said, but she came out and told me they intend to RE-assess me next week before they decide to write my CPA or do anything. I got the impression I would not be involved in this latter process. She then left saying she will be checking exactly when my next ward round was so she can be there. I didn’t seem to have a choice in this matter and it seems they are generally weekly. No wonder no one gets out very fast with all this waiting to be seen.

I still hoped I would see the doctor again and they would have a plan for me, but it didn’t happen. I fear they decided just to talk to J and not bother with me, despite my wishes.

I am concerned by the mention of reassessment. Surely that is what happened yesterday? Admittedly I was hypomanic so it may not have been as clear as they would like, but for all they know I could be very manic by next week and they can’t reassess me every week before they do anything. I could be here forever. I also worry it means they do not trust or believe me. I have been feeling a little paranoid.

I moaned about J a lot to my bloke when she’d gone and said I wanted to change. He called the CMHT afterwards. Told J’s manager I wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for a while. Apparently they are meeting today to discuss and consider someone else. I’ve not been informed by anyone here about this yet, just by the bloke. Another sign of being ignored.

They asked if I wanted to complain formally. I was unsure about this, but have been encouraged by my bloke to write a letter, which I did last night. It is probably too long, but there have been so many niggling problems, as well as her general attitude, it was hard to express things. That and hypomania leads to verbiosity.

I feel a lot less hyper and giddy this morning and may be starting to come down a little. Kinda in two minds about this. Some of the hypomania has felt pretty good over the last couple days. Writing and writing. Not feeling tired. Things feeling bright and fast. It makes a change to numbing depression. But, and there is a but, I was worried about how I was coming across. It may have been to blame for the lack of response in ward round. I have also worried about things turning really nasty and the background thoughts becoming louder whilst still having this energy. Although my mood is mixed, the hypomania has been dominant meaning it is less bad.

Now I feel a little agitated, but mainly unable to think. Numb and bored. Frustrated. Wish I knew what was happening.

So…

Gone back to m.wordpress.com today. Was trying to save data as think email is separate but this can’t use much and is easier to use except often the editing box goes out of view which can be a pain to type in. Thank god for qwerty phone and nice buttons. I found it weird at first but can do it pretty damn quick these days. Wouldn’t go back I don’t think.

I may see the doctor today after all. Named nurse felt bad for double booking and has found me a slot. Apparently someone cancelled. Don’t understand how you’d cancel your ward round unless discharged or on leave and don’t think anyone has gone since last night. Don’t mind though if it means I see the doc sooner. Still don’t know which is mine. Dr H or Dr M. I think Dr M but not sure. Dr H is on holiday anyhow so is Dr M this week either way. Older lady doctor. Looks nice from pic on wall, but I find older women scary. In my experience they often seem to look down on us young folk, try to patronise or are judgmental. Shall see. Going to try hard to make this work. Written a list of guidelines almost. Treat me as an adult, keep me informed, understand I struggle to talk and like to write, understand memory fuzzy due to ECT etc. Hopefully she will understand. Also made mood chart and written about events leading up to admission and thoughts after. Hoorah for hypomanic productivity. Hope the notes help.

I’m still writing a lot. Worked out it must be well over 15000 words by now. Could be a dissertation or novel soon the way I’m going. Wouldn’t want to type it all up, but may copy Em’s diary series and write some snippets when I’m out some day. Would be good to have a bit of a log. Had ideas about a couple of posts too, comparing this place to The Priory and things. Most of it doesn’t make for interesting reading. I’m hyper, I’m bored, I’m hyper, I’m writing lots, I’m hyper, I’m bored etc. That’s pretty much it. I lot of it is broken writing, one topic then another, then another as I can’t stick to one thing. Admittedly there are pages of introspection, feelings. thoughts and frustration too, but a lot of nonsense in between. I am just keeping my pen flowing between texts and listening to music. Writing whatever comes into my head due to hypomanic verbal diarrhoea. Keeping my head occupied at least.

Argh going in early. Must go. Nervous!

So it works…

I thought it formatted weirdly when I looked at in my nokia browser, but apparently it is fine. Checked on skyfire and all good. No idea how I tag posts though. Can do that later I guess. (Edit: finally got around to tagging).

So today has been up and down. getting increasingly high all morning, down a bit mid afternoon and going up again now. This daily pattern often happens when I’m hypomanic. Always worst in the evening as night and supposedly sleep approaches. I’m not sure I’m going to need much again tonight. Been trying to stay off the stimulants although I had some haribo.

Spoke to my grandma. Had to consciously try to slow down my speech and I talked and talked and talked. She couldn’t get me off the phone. Oops.

Played some more solo scrabble this afternoon. It is sad that I end up playing myself, but nothing else to do and no one else really up to playing with me.

Filled in my WRAP form. Makes sense, but I know that when crisis comes I am likely to ignore what it says, even though I know I shouldn’t. It is not like I don’t know what I should be doing. It is just that when it comes to doing it I find it so bloody hard to ask for help, or even if I do manage to ask for it, I can’t then accept it. I don’t know. I don’t really remember being well so filling that part in was hard. It was useful to write what recovery means to me though and my early warning sides for both depression and hypomania. I remembered reading Dee Dee’s account of her WRAP plan as I was doing it and had some of the same thoughts (note – must edit to add link when on computer – Edit: Here we go!).

Crap. I just had bad news. Was meant to be seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow, but I’ve just been told it will be Thursday now. I can’t wait that long for change. I need someone to do something. I need a plan so I have some hope. What is the point in me being stuck in here for days without seeing a doctor? That will be almost a week I will have been here without seeing a psychiatrist. Isn’t the point of being here to have constant care from a psychiatrist and to make a plan to get better? The nurse didn’t explain why. Just told me they will explain tomorrow and a mistake has been made. I feel like I’ve been stabbed. I was counting down the hours until tomorrow afternoon and now there are a lot more hours for me to wait. I don’t know what to do. I started to cry, but I can’t even do that properly. Stopped as soon as I started. Froze up like the weather. I just wish I knew what was happening. I wish I didn’t feel so powerless.

I don’t know how long I can take this. I am meant to be here to get better but I just feel cooped up with no support. I don’t see the point. Wonder if I’d be better at home, but even though I’m here voluntarily I suspect they would change that if I tried to leave. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Any ideas?

Testing Email Blogging…

I have no idea if this will work from my mobile email address and not my intothesystem one, but it is worth a try. I am not going to blog much as I guess I should be using my time here to try and get better. At least that is what everyone keeps telling me, but then again I am bored and it helps me to order my thoughts and write. All I have done is write. About 80 sides in my A5 paperchase notebook in 3 days. I am going to run out of space in a few days at this rate. Already using vast quantities of ink!

I think I am a little hypomanic at the moment. My mood has got increasingly speedy over the past 24 hours. It was horribly mixed last night. Desperately suicidal and wanting to self harm, yet bouncy and hyper. This morning I am just hyper and giddy. The bad thoughts aren’t as strong and are being replaced by a constant need to talk and write. I’ve been trying to calm down to avoid the chemical cosh. Avoiding the urge to dance around and sing!

Apparently I will see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I was hoping it would be today. Spoke to one of my named nurses for a bit just now though so they should know what my mood is like. I just about talked her silly I think. I seem to have got lucky with my nurses. They seem to be the two nicest staff here but they are both new, young and not disillusioned yet.

I just want people to be straight with me and tell me what is going on though. There doesn’t seem to be much involvement with the patients. We just get ordered to dinner and to collect our meds and that is about it.

Actually just after moaning my named nurse came back with a WRAP form saying that I should get involved with my CPA as I am clearly capable and enjoy writing. I guess I’m not being treated as a complete imbecile then! I am trying to make it clear I want to be involved and not just bossed about.

I shall sign off now. Don’t want to write a missive and it not work, but if all goes to plan I may write a little bit now and then.

Thanks so much to everyone for their kind messages of support. Especially to those who have texted or tweeted. You are helping to keep me sane! I say sane of course when I’m in a loony bin, but you know what I mean. Take care Xx

So Back Here Again…

So I’m back as an inpatient. Not the outcome I’d hoped for. I won’t go into the details of how I ended up here now as I’m on my mobile and it’s nearly lunchtime but I wanted to let you know. I know some of you already do.

Take care everyone, going to try and tweet a bit as it’s quick and easier than blogging and there really is nothing else for me to do here except stare at the ceiling. Kinda hiding from the rest of the place at the moment.

Xx

Am I Being Fair…?

A question that is plaguing me and my relationship at the moment.

My partner has been objecting to what I’ve written about our arguments lately. I am not sure he appreciates me writing about our relationship in such a public, but one-sided way. Maybe it is unfair to expect him to sit back without the opportunity to say his piece, but I need somewhere to work all of this out. I need to know if I am making sense. I need someone to listen.

He is of course right that I am only showing my side of the story and I am not giving him the opportunity to defend himself. Maybe I could let him write his own post, give his own argument, but I’m not sure it would be suitable for publication! ;) It is true though that much of what I have written has presented the facts and I am not trying to criticise or upset him with these posts. He did indeed call my illness a “stupid teenage fantasy” and does indeed make little snide comments about my blogging, so he cannot argue with that.

He tells me though that I do not realise how much the things I write hurt him and that I shouldn’t portray him as some big evil monster. I don’t mean to do that. He isn’t. We really do have our problems at the moment, but I don’t think he acts with any malice. I don’t think he gets any pleasure out of annoying or hurting me. He just doesn’t know how to deal with everything that is going on. I’m pretty sure he genuinely tries to understand better, but I am just not sure that it works.

One thing he said was that his sulking is not in any way aimed at me. He said that when he read about me stopping my medication he was really angry and that when he went off to sulk he wasn’t trying to manipulate me, he was just taking time out so he didn’t do or say something he may regret. That seems fair enough. There are times I have to take myself away from a situation. The problem is though I am unsure. Even if he doesn’t mean it that way, it still puts me on the back foot and makes me feel guilty. Of course he says that is my problem and that I shouldn’t think everything is about trying to hurt me. I guess it is my own fault for feeling guilty, but perhaps he should find another way of staying in control and maybe he shouldn’t give me the cold shoulder when I try and find out what is wrong.

When I said that our long conversation (argument) on Saturday night didn’t get us anywhere he was upset as well. He felt it did help and that we were getting somewhere. He argued that I am always seeing the negative in things and that we’re never going to get anywhere if I continue with that attitude. Yes, we did say things that needed to be said, but I am unsure if we actually got any closer to finding a solution. I know that he was trying though.

We had another one of those conversations on Sunday night. He said he’d been making a concious effort all day on Sunday not to make the biting comments I find so frustrating, yet I can’t say I noticed an improvement. This confuses me. Are things really not as bad as I think they are, but because of the negative nature of depressed thinking I am feeling things more acutely? Am I just making things up to taunt myself with?

We seemed to spend a great deal of time discussing the merits of twitter. I do think things have escalated on the blogging-hatred front since I started using twitter more regularly. You may remember that I wrote a blog post about my feelings on twitter about a month ago. I myself was sceptical of its merits, but I have come around because I do genuinely think it is helpful and dare I say it? I enjoy it. I enjoy being in the middle of discussion between an interesting group of people. I like the fact that twitter is taking my blog to new audiences. I like the fact it is quick and I can log my thoughts without having to dwell or develop them.

One of his arguments was that 140 characters is far too little to say anything constructive. I thought that too at first, but I am amazed at what you can actually convey through a few short messages. Thoughts after all aren’t logically constructed into sentences and paragraphs when you have them, so sharing a few snippets can still get across the same message.

His other was that he doesn’t understand why I want to broadcast little snippets of info to a bunch of strangers. He doesn’t really understand why I want an audience on my blog. I know I didn’t really start writing this for an audience. I started as I hoped it would be therapeutic, but I have found it helpful, interesting and encouraging to know there are people out there that care. I have met people who I do genuinely count as friends and I have received a great deal of useful advice and support. I wouldn’t get all that from a paper journal hidden under my bed.

As for twitter and an audience. I only really intended it to be aimed at my blogging audience. Little extra snippets of information for those that already read. Little updates for when I don’t have the words for more. It has developed into a new outlet though and also a new source of readers to this blog.

We also talked about me and my illness. His main argument was that I do not try hard enough to get better. This is an argument I hate, because it implies such a lack of understanding about mental illness, that I thought I could have changed by now. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, it isn’t going to take this illness away. I may be able to ease some of the symptoms, but that will be as far as it goes. Yes, I know that lifestyle changes can be useful and I even know that eating better and exercise can help, but it is not a panacea. The eat better, exercise more, be a better person stuff just doesn’t wash.

He is worried that I am pinning all my hopes of recovery on finding a wonder drug and/or therapy and that I am not going to do anything myself to get better. I am hoping that one day I will find a cocktail of medication that helps. Most of the people I know that have had some recovery have been aided in that by medication. It is often pointed out at The Priory that you should take a three pronged approach to recovery: medication, therapy and lifestyle change. By pinning my hopes for recovery on therapy and medication I am not being lazy, just realistic. I would also hope that the fact I have hopes for therapy (when the NHS finally get their ass in gear) does suggest I want to do some of the work to get better myself. Therapy is far from an easy process and involves a great deal of hard work, work which I am going to have to do.

As an example of how I am being lazy and not trying hard enough, he says that I haven’t done anything to improve my sleep, except take a few pills. I have tried medication, but I’ve been through the sleep hygiene stuff too. Admittedly I’ve made less effort in recent months, but only because I have given up hope. I have spent years swinging between hypersomnia and insomnia, although in recent years I’ve been firmly in the insomnia camp. I have tried all sorts of things and nothing has succeeded in restoring “normal” sleep. What is normal is questionable anyway, because there are times when 4 hours is fine, other times when 4 hours is no where near enough and even times when 4 hours feels too much. Sometimes I can have 2 hours sleep and feel fine. Sometimes I can have 2 hours sleep and feel awful. Other times I can have 7 hours sleep and still feel exhausted. I guess it’s all linked to mood, but I guess it also means my sleep will never be great.

He suggests I need to follow more of the CBT and self-help stuff we went over at The Priory. Setting myself a routine and activity scheduling. I do need to get back into a routine, but it is understandable that things go haywire over Christmas. I know activity scheduling was something that was always encouraged at The Priory, but I never really found it helpful. I also worry that this is just another means for exerting control. He can try and make me follow a routine he approves of and if I don’t stick to it, then he can get angry and tell me I’m not trying hard enough.

His latest suggestion is that I only use the internet/blog in the evenings to try and contain the time I spend on here, but I fear this is merely so he will be around at the time I’m doing it. Of course him being around will mean I will spend even less time on here because the automatic guilt-trip will be triggered and secondly, he will be able to keep an eye on me whilst I do it. When I tried to go online this morning, forgetting this had been suggested, he got angry at me and told me I was only allowed online at night and that I should do as I’m told. I had never agreed to following his suggestion, yet he was determined to enforce it. I am not sure I’m comfortable with his assumption that I will do as I’m told

I can’t remember what else was discussed on Sunday. I don’t exactly enjoy the arguments and I have found my short term memory seems to be pretty selective. Some of the bits that provoke the strongest emotion and reaction stick, but the rest slips through my hands like sand.

I do remember that I gave up before the bloke was ready to stop. I couldn’t take any more of the argument and at 2am or whatever it was I was too tired to discuss anything properly. He was annoyed at this, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to start the discussion then anyway. It would be a lot easier to talk about such things when I’m actually functioning properly.

The thing is now I am confused and conflicted. I wonder if I’m being fair. I wonder if this is all my fault and if I am overreacting. I wonder if I am just seeing the negatives all the time. But things have got to the stage now that I am always suspicious of his motives. Is he trying to make me feel bad so that he can control me? Is he trying to guilt trip me into compliance? Is he just saying all of this to get his own way?

I wonder if anything will ever change. I really don’t know what to do.

Alison suggested on my last post we had some time apart and it is something I have thought about a lot myself, but I do not know how feasible it is. I hope that him going back to work will help. At least it will give us a few hours space. His cold is now improving, but his attempt to get to work this morning proved futile due to the snow. Both routes out of the village towards Warrington were difficult – one impassable and one almost so and he didn’t want to get stuck on the way back, so he turned around and came home. Unless it dramatically warms up overnight there’s little sign of him getting there tomorrow either. We’ve had another couple of inches since he got home this morning.

Even if he does get to work soon, a few hours apart probably isn’t going to be enough to help. Would a temporary separation be useful? It might make us realise what things we miss about each other and it might give me some space to get better. Our relationship was once long distance and it is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I just don’t know if he’d be happy about it and I don’t even know if I could. Things are not good at the moment and I wonder how Dr N and the CMHT will react if I am on my own. I wonder how I would cope. I worry that I would end up in hospital, perhaps not because he would get me sectioned or maybe even not because I couldn’t cope, but pretty much because there is no where else for me to go. I can’t exactly go home – my support is up here and I’d go mad after a couple of days with my parents anyway and I don’t really have any friends I could stay with. I don’t have anywhere else to go.

As has been mentioned before, I don’t think I am well enough to make any big decisions on our relationship whilst I am still in the acute throes of this illness. I am pretty sure things would be a lot easier if I was well. My illness has skewed the power relationship and I think that has escalated the worries about control. I think he wants to control me, because he wants to keep me safe. I am in a weakened position naturally, because he is my carer and ultimately if he wanted me in hospital he could make it so. Before I was his equal and I had things of my own and they gave me freedom. I had my career and my work friends, both of which I have lost through illness. I find it hard because I don’t feel I have anything of my own any more and that only adds to the feeling that I have no freedom anymore.

Admittedly we argued before I was ill, but it is true that arguments are a fact of life in relationships and things have been so much worse lately. The problem is, I can’t really remember the good times. A combination of depression and the effects of ECT means they’ve pretty much gone. I can barely remember our engagement. It makes it very easy to think that our relationship is all bad and maybe it should be over, when really things are just a little difficult at the moment and there is a lot going for us. NYE was our 7 year anniversary. That’s a long time and we must have been doing something right to get this far.

You would be forgiven for reading this post and thinking that our relationship struggles are the only thing going through my mind at the moment, but they are not. These struggles are the thing which I feel most able to write about, but on top of all this there are other struggles going on. I want to write about them, yet I am scared about doing so. The depression is pretty intense, but the agitation is back again and the only respite I have is my appreciation of snow. I love snow and it has been a welcome distraction from the worst of my thoughts. Sadly I know that as the snow melts that respite will disappear and I will be left with the misery that fills the rest of my mind. I do not relish that thought.

Difficult…

Things are really difficult right now. I’m going mad spending too much time in my partner’s company. We’ve been in each other’s pockets for a couple of weeks now over the festive period and I don’t think that is helping matters. The lack of time to myself, to do as I please without question or comment from anyone else is driving me mad.

I’d been pretty much counting on the fact that everything would all go back to “normal” tomorrow, but sadly it will be more for this for a little while longer. We are both still full of cold and as such my bloke won’t be going back to work tomorrow as planned.

Last night was long and painful. We tried to talk, but basically argued solidly for hours, long into the night. It was one of those conversations that got us no where, but took us to plenty of painful places on the way.

I want to write more, but as such I’m under the same continual pressure. I don’t know when or if anything will change.