Thoughts, Thoughts, Thoughts…
So I’ve not been sleeping well the last couple of days. A nasty cold combined with racing and distressing thoughts is tiring me out. I was wide awake last night for hours and hours and no matter how much I tried I didn’t seem to be able to switch off. Eventually my cold must have defeated me and I got a couple of hours of broken sleep, only to wake up to the sound of our dog whimpering and a continuation of the thoughts.
My mind had been fairly still and quiet over the past couple of weeks. My mood was that of low rumbling depression, hidden under a façade of festive cheer. My thoughts have been dark, but calm and slow. It made a change to the agitated depression that had been the main feature of 2009.
It seems though with this cold, my thoughts have quickened. I feel as if I’m in a quiet turmoil, with ever-racing thoughts bubbling under the surface. I start on one thing and it gives me a hundred leads to follow, all in turn leading to more. The thoughts circle and spiral out of control. I can’t get a hold on them.
I store my thoughts up for the night-time, trying to maintain a semblance of normality during the day. Being ill with this cold though has allowed me to stay in bed and I can drop the pretence of normality a little.
I need to untangle everything and write it all down so I can try and make sense of it all, but it would take me hours, days even. I could probably write 10,000 words and still barely scratch the surface. I suspect my bloke may be justified in his complaints if I tried to blog all of that. I’d like the chance to blog some of it though.
I feel so alone with these thoughts though. I don’t know who I would share all this with. I can’t work it all out, let alone express it to others. Some of these thoughts are thoughts I can’t bear to share. Some of these thoughts I desperately want to share, but I am unsure if it is wise. Some of these thoughts are too confusing to know what to do with. I alternate between wanting to share them and thinking it is a very bad idea. Instead they all go round and round in my head and I’m too scared to let them out.
I did actually try and share a few things with Dr N on Thursday, but that has only amplified my confusion. By sharing my thoughts, I have made them real and that has only made them stronger. This just makes it harder for me to tackle the rest.
I don’t really know what to do.
This argument is still rumbling on and I don’t feel strong enough to resist right now. I need time to write, but I feel too guilty for it. The pressure is on for me to get off my laptop and “go and do something useful”, yet I can’t summon the energy for that either. I wish I could hibernate and wait for this to blow over.
Into the system... 
If you can, I would recommend writing out the thoughts. I am much worse when I can’t write, because then the thoughts stay inside and rot, and then I rot.
XXX
Karita
Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 5:19 pm
I have to admit I keep a journal and write things out on many occassions just to empty my head, there are random note books all over the house!
Alison
Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 9:59 pm
When i had all of my years of depression, i kept a journal pretty faithfully, and years later when i was well again, began writing it all out on my computer. Things were clearer for me then, and the words on the page provided me with many articles that i wrote for my blogs. Hope this helps.
Deb
cherished79
Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 11:33 pm
I used to be an avid journal writer, but haven’t lately. Fear of someone else finding it and not getting the private time to myself has kinda stopped me.
I did keep one when I was in The Priory the first time. I actually found it and read it last night, which was a little weird.
I may have to start again, but I’m not sure I’d get the chance really.
intothesystem
Sunday, 3rd January 2010 at 7:20 pm
You sound like you don’t get much time to yourself. I feel for you because I think you need it. *Hugs*
Karita
Sunday, 3rd January 2010 at 8:40 pm
I do get time when he’s at work, but generally what time I get is shrouded in guilt at the moment. I don’t get to spend it in the way I want to.
intothesystem
Sunday, 3rd January 2010 at 9:41 pm
Ergh at your bloke (sorry!). You need time and you need space and you need your own things and your own people. I really don’t think you’d be writing if it wasn’t helping. When you’re depressed you tend to cut back what you do to a bare minimum to make things easier, obviously a part of you thinks that this is helpful.
It’s not healthy to keep everything in, sometimes you need to go into an empty room and kick and scream for a while. If writing is something of a release then don’t stop.
It’s very much like crying or purging. If you need to or if you start, you need to let it all out and finish. Although I hated it, I’d always feel at least a little more relaxed once I’d cried unreservedly on my mum’s shoulder.
If part of the problem is your bloke reading, then maybe go private (or block his IP address lol). This is yours. Fight for it lovely x
eccedentesiast
Sunday, 3rd January 2010 at 10:39 pm
Thank-you so much for taking the time to share your experience on here. I have been having such a hard time over the last couple of years, racig thoughts, depression, agitation, SH, dark thoughts and find one thing that is helpful is writing things down. I have felt very alone, no-one knows about my struggles, I have not sought help from the NHS. I guess I am fortunate enought to be able to pay privately for a therapist and do hope in time that will help me. I am able to tell him some things, but some of the thoughts even freak me out and I don’t feel able to share them in case he doesn’t trust me to keep myself safe. Also I am so with the fear of actually verbalising the thoughts and somehow making them more real. Reading what you have written has made me feel less alone, I can really relate to what you write and strangely feel understood for once. I wish you well.
Marie
Saturday, 29th January 2011 at 1:17 pm