Into the system…

blogging, work, mental health, therapy, disability, benefits and more…


with 27 comments

It has been a long time since I last posted. I’ve been popping onto twitter to write a few 140 character updates, but that’s all I’ve had time for. I think the amount of woe on there will suggest how things have been though.

Sadly there was plenty of backlash from the confession about my meds. I had feared it, but hoped it wouldn’t materialise. My bloke was upset. As is often the case when he’s angry, he ignored me and wouldn’t speak to me for a while and then he had a go at me. I know it is understandable that he was upset, but I get fed up of the same argument.

Apparently I don’t want to get better and my illness is all some “stupid teenage fantasy”. It seems I want to think that I’m ill so that I fit in with all my “whiny teenage girl internet friends”. He thinks that we all encourage each other to get worse and that we all want to be part of some stupid mental club. Basically, the argument always boils down to the same thing. Blogging is evil and that everyone that does so is a whiny, faking moron.

As you can imagine, this doesn’t exactly go down well. I try to argue back, but it’s pointless. I can say that I don’t choose this illness. I can say that I am definitely not trying to fit in, but that I appreciate knowing I’m not the only one going through this and the support helps. I can also say that not everyone who blogs is a teenager or a girl and that not every blog I read is about mental illness, but it makes no difference. His mind is set and he will never be happy about my blog.

As well as the argument, he tried to stop me coming on here for a while. He also banned me from meeting up with Em and Kate. We’d arranged to meet up when I had my appointment with DP before Christmas. Instead my bloke took the afternoon off work and drove me to and from the appointment so I couldn’t see them. I hate that he treats me like a child.

I find this so hard. I don’t know what I would do without this space and without the support of my readers, but I am fed up of the arguments. He makes it uncomfortable every time I try and come on here. He moans at me every time I open my laptop. He refers to twitter as “twatting”. He belittles the whole thing and doesn’t see or care how much it hurts me. I have always found the internet a great source of support and he seems hell bent on ruining that.

I’m not sure posting this is a good idea. It will probably only add fuel to the fire, especially so long after the event, but I’m still feeling the consequences. I feel guilty whenever I come on here. I feel like a naughty girl defying her parents, and it shouldn’t be like that. I wish it wasn’t.

I have other things to post about. My last appointment with DP, Christmas, the end of the year/decade… but I don’t suppose I’ll get much chance this week.

To illustrate the point, he just came over, looked at my laptop and saw I was writing. Then said “for crying out loud” and walked off. Just these little digs all the time are making it all harder.


Written by intothesystem

Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 12:15 pm

27 Responses

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  1. I think that’s terribly unfair of him. Far from being a “whiney teenage girl” I’m actually a happily married woman verging on 30, but still I talk to my friends online since most of them live hundreds of miles away from me nowadays. That goes for Facebook, Twitter and my blog and I’d be lost without them to stay in touch with people. Equally, I know you read my blog and I don’t write about mental illness. I know he’s just trying to look out for you but equally he’s not your parent so I don’t agree with him making you miss appointments with friends or with him trying to stop you going online. I’m sorry you’re finding it all so hard.x


    Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 1:12 pm

    • Thanks hun. He used to moan about my livejournal when we first went out, long before all of this happened, so I wonder if there is some continuation of that. I guess when I started out on LJ my friends were all whiney teenagers, but he doesn’t realise that things have changed.


      Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 12:02 pm

  2. “we all want to be part of some stupid mental club” I’m not *that* mental! However, to take the piss, can I get a fanclub badge and send it him?

    I guess he’s just set in his ways now and doesn’t want to change his mind. Hang in there x


    Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 3:24 pm

  3. This all sets off alarm bells for me – he is trying to control you. That is not good at all. As an adult woman you are entitled to have hobbies and friends even if he oesn’t like them.

    I have friends my husband doesn’t like and he has no interest in martial arts but he has never attempted to prevent me meeting my mates or doing karate.

    I’ve had a number of abusive relationships in the past and one of the things they always did was if there was something about me they didn’t like or I did something they didn’t want, they would punish me. Usually by sulking and being angry.

    A mature partner accepts that their partner has a hobby/friends they don’t approve of and says their piece once. If he is constantly picking on you he has to stop.

    DeeDee Ramona

    Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 4:25 pm

    • I’d never go as far as to say our relationship is abusive.

      I know he thinks this because he cares. The problem is he genuinely believes he is right that blogging makes me worse. He’s stubborn as a mule and will never listen.

      I do just wish he’d stop treating me like a child.


      Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 4:37 pm

  4. Also, do you have other, IRL friends that you like seeing? Does he try to stop you seeing them?

    DeeDee Ramona

    Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 4:26 pm

    • He doesn’t stop me seeing my real life friends, but they’re pretty much all his friends too.

      Actually then again, he never seems keen for me to see my friends from The Priory. I think there is definitely a mental health bias.


      Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 4:35 pm

      • In that case you just tell him that you are going to see your Priory friends and continue blogging and it’s just his tough shit if he doesn’t like it.

        DeeDee Ramona

        Thursday, 31st December 2009 at 4:05 pm

  5. Maybe you should tell him that I “recovered” from my whiny teenage depression episode and STILL blog. Equally, you were diagnosed, as was I, by numerous, trained consultant psychiatrists. Bipolar is not something you acquire from writing on the internet. “Whoops I read blahblah’s entry and now I’m f**ked”. It doesn’t happen like that. I’ve been ill since I was 12 and have only written my blog for the past year in which I’ve recovered greatly from the depressive side of my illness. Coincidence perhaps but it certainly hasn’t made me worse. Why do you think that group therapy can work? There’s alot to be said about NOT bottling up.

    Apologies for getting so wound up (not having a teenage tantrum though, heaven forbid), control just annoys/scares me.

    And anyway, you’ve seen me and Kate before. We’re technically now IRL friends.

    Maybe I’ll get to see you again when I’m 20, although I’m pretty sure I’ll still have bipolar disorder.

    Love! Missy. Sorry for the rant. Take care x


    Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 5:42 pm

    • Heh – I don’t think it actually matters that you are a teenager! I think he just has this strange misconception that depression = teenage angst.

      Take care hun xx


      Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 12:05 pm

  6. Oh dear… It’s sounds all very controlling and frankly it’s not a relationship I would like to be in. You need support at this time in your life and you get that from expressing yourself by writing and from your friends, your family and your partner. He needs to understand that your outlet whilst your unable to work comes from partly using the internet to offload your thoughts and feelings and it’s a form a therapy like many others who blog and that’s not just us who have are labelled as having a ‘mental illness’.

    I don’t think I am a whiny teenage girl (I can act like one though to get what I want, years of practice I’ve got it down to perfection!) I’ve gone from diagnosed with Depression to accurately diagnosed with BPD after fighting the NHS for help and finally going to The Priory and meeting the wonderful Dr G. Now I am back in education and if this year goes well by next December I’ll be a 1st year student Mental Health Nurse hopefully learning to help those other whiney mental health people! ;)

    Since we have met before as well, I guess we are classed as IRL friends as well! :)

    Take care of yourself you are a very much loved person in the world of the internet for how you write honestly about your illness x


    Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 9:35 pm

    • I think for us it would be different if I’d met you at The Priory first and blog second. Would be interesting to see how he would view our friendship then.

      I try to point out it’s like group therapy, but he seems to disapprove of the group – not sure what he’d think if we’d all been in a room at The Priory together for therapy!


      Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 12:08 pm

  7. I agree with what others have said, I feel for you, because this relationship does not sound healthy and he is trying to control you. Somehow you have made the mental illness up by blogging and reading other mental health blogs? But if your mental illness isn’t real then why does he feel the need to control you? My husband doesn’t always like that I blog and read mental health blogs because he thinks it can make me worse, but he says his piece and then leaves me to get on with it. They don’t need to get it, but they do need to learn to let go and give us our space.

    *Hugs* Keep writing honey, it’s your outlet and you deserve it. And you’re also bloody good at it. :)


    Thursday, 31st December 2009 at 2:25 pm

    • Thanks hun. He doesn’t seem so bothered about the writing. It’s the reading he really objects to. He thinks it absorbs my time and makes me think about and dwell on my condition too much. He thinks mental illness has become a hobby for me!


      Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 12:09 pm

      • I think my hubby has similar thoughts about me reading mental health blogs, but at least he has the decency to let me do it anyway.



        Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 1:14 pm

  8. You should be free to write and see what and who you want. Far from being whiny, I find many blogs, yours included, helpful, well thought out and mature. I hope you decide to keep writing. Love and hugs xx


    Thursday, 31st December 2009 at 8:52 pm

  9. Hmm. Because if you don’t talk about it then it isn’t happening.


    Friday, 1st January 2010 at 4:36 pm

  10. We have on-going arguements about the internet in my house. I think it is more me spending time on there and neglecting the OH as oppose to anything else. But sometimes there are guilt-trips when I go out without A. I think it is more that A gets lonely as A says it isn’t meant like that.

    I think blogging is healthy so keep it up!


    Friday, 1st January 2010 at 7:46 pm

    • Yeah there is definitely a time element to it, so I have been limiting my time on here, but even still he moans.


      Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 12:13 pm

  11. Hey, I’ve only just found your blog (through Mental Nurse), and I’ve read through your My Story posts and all the posts since then. You write extremely well! Thank you for keeping this chronicle – so much of it rings so true to experiences I’ve had, and it’s interesting to see someone else’s story. I had depression most of my life, and the last couple of years I’ve been mostly sane, when I never thought I would shake it – I really hope you make it out the other side, too.

    part-time mentalist

    Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 3:23 am

  12. […] This argument is still rumbling on and I don’t feel strong enough to resist right now. I need time to write, but I feel too guilty for it. The pressure is on for me to get off my laptop and “go and do something useful”, yet I can’t summon the energy for that either. I wish I could hibernate and wait for this to blow over. […]

    • I’m sorry it’s still going on. I have no words of wisdom to offer, but would like you remind you there is a lot of ‘moral support’ for you out here in cyberspace.

      Incidentally, your blog is very likely to be helping some of your readers. Sometimes that number includes me. So I’d class that as doing ‘something useful’.


      Sunday, 3rd January 2010 at 1:08 am

  13. I agree with DeeDee and Eccedentesiast (I generally do). It seems all too familiarly like something my (bipolar) stepdaughter had to go through, albeit in that case not about the internet as such. She was working as a nursing asst in a learning disability unit and living with her then boyfriend, a staff nurse in the same unit. He became more and more controlling, bit by insidious bit, forbade her to have friends of her own and finally forbade her to have any contact with either family – all in her own best interests, he claimed. Finally she cracked and had a major episode.

    You not your bloke are the person responsible for your life. If he’s as stubborn as you say he’s probably unconsciously dumping his stuff onto you. How would he react if you told him you wanted him to go with you to Relate?

    Bristol Michael

    Saturday, 2nd January 2010 at 1:33 pm

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